And then there was shame.

Discriminatory harassment. They warn you about it, they train you for it, you mentally toughen up for it, and still you are not prepared. It is one of those things that hides its true strength in the unlimited shadows of time. It isn't until you've walked into the shadows and met the colossus in time that it creeps into your psyche and you come face to face with the true muscle of the towering beast: Its endurance.

There are days when leaving my front door borders on being masochistic. As I learn the meaning of targeted harassment first hand, it makes me fearful to visualize that knowledge on our own nation's past. We must always cultivate ourselves towards peace.

We are creates that, in one simple theory, learn through the process of scientific method. We observe, make predictions, test, and then make new predictions based upon the result.

For the foreigner living here this means every time you step our your door you might be rudely yelled at, questioned for everything, begged for material goods, grabbed, called names, pulled at, starred at, hissed at, or chased. Unlike the harassment that plagued our nation during the Civil Rights movement, the harassment here most of the time isn't even malicious, but rather it serves as a constant depressant. It seems to be particularly bad amongst children who are most often the targets of incoming tourists who throw them gifts making for a good Polaroid, but bad for development workers. Children see this happen, and follow the example throughout their childhood.

I recently received a letter from Rudi back in Bloomington who eloquently reminded me that while it is natural to learn through observance and testing, it is never the final word in how we should live our lives. Over the summer and into the fall she had an experience, which made her realize she had believed in one thing for so long that it no longer occurred to her to question it. When she did confront it, and think critically about the situation, she realized it was herself who was now being closed-minded. This experience most of us feel like they do on a constant basis, but I would challenge you all to ask if you actually have gone through with the process. For myself, I wish I had Rudi's strength, advice, and insight or at least her letter earlier. It might have caused me to look at the world around me again and re-evaluate, avoiding potentially damaging situations. Unfortunately, the day before her letter arrived I felt my own shame of a mind gone dark.

I became a slave to finality in scientific method as well. One too many times I have not been friendly to someone greeting me because I have learned that more often than not, the person will disturb me rather than have a legitimate reason for stopping me.

Walking home I was hissed at (the infamous "tssk" sound) by a young boy who then grabbed my arm and told me to give him 50 Dalasis. I was fed up with the whole situation and used some rather choice words from my English vocabulary to tell him to get lost.

He responded in kind with, "You don't want to give me money? You just think you're better than me because you're rich, that's why you aren't helping your brother. You go ____ off."

There was an ugliness felt inside of me that I hadn't felt in a long time. The ugliness was a muddle of shame, discomfort, hopelessness, and misunderstanding across worlds. I realize my outburst was detrimental to our Nation, my character, who I wanted to be, and thought I could be. In the end there I was simply adding to the muscle and the endurance of the beast rather than facing it in the shadows. I would be better to go back and be guided by Lincoln's better Angels of our nature.

This is a short post of frustration, self-reflection, and tougher times. As I have said, Peace Corps life often times brings about potent emotions that you must deal with and ultimately find your peace. If not, if we cannot critically struggle with the challenges, breaking harmful thoughts and reaffirming positive ones, then we will have failed.

We will move on to other thoughts since after all, it is Christmas and we all have more joyous times to look forward to. I myself will take a much needed few days off to recover mentally and physically. I suppose part of this post has just been a reaction to being particularly home sick and needing to vent overall discomforts. May joy come to you this holiday season. Sending good thoughts back home to all friends, family, and mentors.

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Memories of CDs being played during childhood. A boys choir bringing smiles to our faces in a simpler time.

Christmas is coming, the geese are getting fat
Please to put a penny in the old man's hat;
If you haven't got a penny, a ha'penny will do,
If you haven't got a ha'penny then God bless you!