07 March 2007

And float in space and drift in time.

I once knew a moment so pure it was bound to collapse under its own goodness. It was a river of warmth for her that I felt on those cool autumn nights, and it was under the purple tinged skies that delight and pleasure in life was quietly understood by the two of us. On the soft green grass we would lie together arm in arm smile for no particular reason other than the moment was alive with our presence. It was a moment so pure it only lives through whispers and dreams.

It was a moment so pure that it could only be broken by something so harsh, the harshness of the bells. Those irritating ringing bells, cling clang, wailing throughout the night air. Cling clang, and they beckoned me to their sound. The bells serving as the introduction and the chanting as the chorus. The chanting of all those monks sitting perfectly aligned in a row, and under the dim of the moonlight colored robes tinged blood-red. Those monks, they looked so peaceful, so tempting, like they had some quality unattainable by the rest of us. Clang, the bells went off one more time, and I got up from the green grass, got up from the comfort of her graces and I went for the bells vibrating through my entire being.

I went for the bells wanting what they were hinting and what the monks were emanating, I wanted to walk their mysterious path of life. Like a jealous little boy I went for them without much of a second thought. I walked through their temple, gleaming in golden spires stretching for the sky and soothing streams of fresh water. I found myself lost in the spirit of that temple. A cling of the bells, and I was no longer in control, feeling my way through a space where all time seemed to stand still.

It was at that moment when I felt my soul begin to burn as I saw those eyes. I saw the eyes of one lone monk sitting absolutely still at the very end of the row. His motionless eyes didn’t shed a blink for what seemed like hours, and as he stared at me I felt he was glaring into my very soul. The eyes were screaming at my being, rhythmically speaking into my ear, “Join us. join us.” Clang, the bells went off once more and I realized I was running with fear as my only guide. I ran. I ran out of that temple of gold until my breath staggered and my feet brought my entire body crashing to the ground.

I stood up and found myself once again under the calm of the purple night sky, staring down at the place where she once was. I felt empty staring at the place where I was once lying with the girl who had brought so much goodness to begin with.

I felt deceived. Deceived and direction less at who was at fault, but I could only look inside and feel a burning weakness.

So I did what anyone would do, I sat on the ground and let a tear fall from my eye. I saw one single tear fall onto the ground where a soft impression of where we once lay was still faintly painted on the grass. It soaked into the ground providing me with a temporary mirror. I saw a face that was devoid of emotion, completely hollowed out. The tear then began to split apart and fade shattering out into the world, moving uncontrolled and directionless, moving out like fragments of stardust.

Regards to Neil Gaiman and H.P. Lovecraft.
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So that’s a written account of a dream I had this past week. I woke up thoroughly disturbed asking, “What the heck was that all about?”

My guess leads me to remember that Larium is a powerful drug, and taken for a period of 8 months straight starts to affect your psyche in strange ways. My friend Neil recently had a horrifying hallucination during the middle of the night in which he saw an intruder in his house hovering over him grinning an evil Cheshire grin only to disappear into nothingness.

Ah modern medicine…

I suppose Freud, unaware that the patient was on long term medication, would have a field day with such cases.

It all comes full circle though as this week’s post is about relationships in Peace Corps, or perhaps only in PC The Gambia.

I had a hilarious encounter the other day at my local shop that was all about local love. The cast of characters included three of my neighbours, the local shop keep, a young man, and a young woman. Somehow it all came together beautifully despite roaming between four languages, English, Wolof, Mandinka, and Gambian English (I am convinced this is its own language). The man, young in life and still finding his way, was asking for the love of the woman because he was getting to the age where he thought it appropriate to have a wife. She wouldn’t accept the offer unless he essentially showed her the money. So they went back and forth with him claiming at first that he didn’t have the money, then conceding that it was there, then trying to convince her that he had bought her small gifts in the past (tea and things of that nature), and then finally as a gesture of his monetary support buying her a loaf of bread and chocolate spread. At this point she simply told him she’d consider, grabbed her bread and went happily along her way.

Throughout this whole conversation I was laughing, smiling, switching sides of support, and trying to get in a bit of Wolof when I could (A rather useful language in West Africa). In the end, I was confused as to whom the victor was, but it seems the short term battle goes to the female lead. We will see about the war.

So that is a small taste of the local situation. What about PCVs? I feel like we run the spectrum of solid relationships, to terrible break ups, to maintaining a holding pattern, but needless to say the increased pressure of life abroad, combined with an high population density of PCVs in The Gambia means that just about anything is possible.

The increased stress abroad really shows you what your relationship is made of, or if you are in the observing position the dos and not to dos of dating here.

For our Education ’06-’08 group we have the wonderful situation of having a married couple along for our tour. Seeming to have a great relationship when we all first met in Philadelphia they have really provided a fun and upbeat energy to the whole group, and their caring for each other shines through onto all of us. I think we all have learned a lot about paths to happiness from their example.

On the other end of the spectrum you have a lot of the same problems that you would have back home, only when they are compounded with travelling difficultly (many relationships here are more or less long distance because of travelling time) and stresses of Peace Corps life they cause relationships to crumble. It’s a sad fact because many might otherwise be able to be worked out under different conditions.

I think those fears leave a lot of us at bay, feeling like we have too much on our plate already and that a relationship would just make our goals of doing solid development work too difficult to achieve. Then again, with every new group that comes into country new possibilities open up, and sometimes things just land in front of you.

In any event if we are ever short of emotional distress we always can rely on our good old friend larium.

3 comments:

Younger Leo said...

A friend in need is a friend indeed.

Regards. Younger Leo Blog

_Ajaan Tim said...

Todd,
Good post. I was surprised to read that you once considered shaving your head and entering the monastery, at least until I realized that you were describing a dream. Tales of Essan, the luxurious green of the early planting. There but for fortune.
-Ajaan Tim

Stephen said...

Toddles!

Reading your post I have two questions for you:

1) is buying a load of bread and chocolate spread like buying a girl a drink? Cause if so I think I've seen a similar situation a few times...

2) are you seeing someone? reading between the lines (maybe a little too much so) I get the impression that you are.

Anyway, without further ado, the recipe of the week:

Spaghetti alla carbonara
bring a half-pot of water to a boil and add some salt to it.

Meanwhile, put some chopped bacon (2-3 strips should do it) in a pan and cook for 5-7 minutes. add a half onion (chopped) to let it saute for a few minutes (about 5). Add 3 cloves of garlic (finely chopped) and continue to saute. ownz0r

When the water reaches a rolling boil add a quarter pound of spaghetti. Don't break the noodles...just put them in the pot and after a minute the bottoms should be soft enough to allow you to bend the entire noodle into the water. After 7 minutes they should be done.

Reduce the heat on the bacon/onion/garlic deal. While the noodles are boiling, in a separate bowl beat 2 eggs, a cup of parmagian cheese and some basil/oregano.

Strain the noodles. Remove the bacon from heat. Add noodles to bacon mixture and coat with bacon juices. Add egg mixture and coat again.

This is a personal fav. Just have ice cream for dessert to make sure your bathroom loves you!

Miss you Todd. Danny Zoller is in town visiting right now so it brings me back. I hope you're doing well!